Grief and the WLS process

I didn't want to have the weight loss surgery.

In fact, I was extremely angry that my life had come to this pass.


THEN....

I couldn't believe that I could be so successful in every other part of my life, but in this one area, I was an abysmal failure.

Yes, I was very good at mentally kicking myself and knocking myself down.  But I'd had a lot of practice and had been trained by two masters of the game, my parents.

So how did I make the final decision to not only actually go through with this surgery, but changed my mind and embraced this surgery and the radical change in my life that it would engender?

Well, I did a lot of thinking.  A lot.  A lot of reading.  A lot of therapy, both group and individual.  I journalled a lot.  I journalled for 10 years as I worked my way from a victim mentality, then graduated to a survivor mentality, then existing mentality, to finally thriving and embracing life mentality.  Did it happen overnight?  No.  Did I get angry through the healing process? You bet.  I don't think anyone can really be as angry as a recovering addict.  I mean, you're taking away the one thing that defines them, the one thing in their life they can truly control.....and offering quite frankly not a single guarantee that life is going to be better or more in control on the 'other side' of addiction.  You are asking someone to give up a known thing, no matter how abusive it is, for an unknown.

Think of women who are victims of spousal abuse.  People ask, "why don't they just leave?"....as if it's as simple as that? Why would you leave, when you can predict what's going to happen when your husband comes home, mad, drunk or whatever?  You at least know what will happen.  If you leave, you give up a certain insane control over your life.  You have to rely on other people to help you....that's a huge yawning gaping hole of a risk!  You have to do things you have never done....your coping mechanisms might not work. You might fail.  It might be "easier" to stay than to go.  That's addiction.  It seems easier to just stay put.  It's definitely a lot easier to reach for the food than to say 'no'.

When your life and identity are wrapped around something abusive, you have to let that part of you die so that the rest of you can live.  It's like committing emotional suicide without the promise or guarantee of life.  You hope there's life after addiction, after abuse, but you're not quite sure.  After all, you watch celebrities famously go through the addiction and recovery process....and a lot of them don't make it either.

So I had to come to a conclusion, over time, and that was that my addiction had taken over my life, and I truly did not have a life anymore.  Oh, on the outside, to all appearances I had a wonderful life.  I had a successful career, people liked me and thought I was funny, I was in a stable marriage with a nice man.....blah blah blah..... Like I said, to all appearances I had a wonderful life.  But it really wasn't MY life.  It was my addiction's life.  My addiction (food) controlled everything I did.  It controlled who my friends were, where I went on vacation, what clothing I could wear, what activities I could or couldn't do.  My addiction owned my life.  It decided everything I did.

Now, everyone's process of recovery is different, and I can only speak for my own.  But I have found that many recovering addicts go through similar phases and have similar thoughts.  We all just choose the addiction or abuse that works best for us.

My final decision came down to the fact that I had a choice on surgeries.  I could either choose the time and place for the WLS, or I could wait for a possible stroke or heart attack, not under my control and not at my date and time of choosing.

So, as I said earlier, I had to let that part of me die, so the rest of me could live.

And I had to mourn that death.  I had to mourn the loss of my identity.  I had to mourn the loss of my addiction, my lover.  I had to go through every stage of grief before I was emotionally ready for surgery.  I went through the apathy, the grief, the denial, the anger...every single stage.  I had to find the courage in myself to let that addicted part of me die.  I went through terrible rage over this; terrible anger at myself and the world that I had to do this.  I played the "life isn't fair" game for a long time.  I played the "tomorrow I will be able to have the willpower" game.

But there is never enough willpower to fight an entrenched foe.  You must truly kill that foe so he can no longer harm you.  And if you can't kill him right away, you need to at least maim him so he becomes weaker. 

And so I went through a series of 'final meals' where I said goodbye to my comfort food.  And I journalled about how the food made me feel, good and bad.  And I journalled about everything that I was missing out on in life because of the food and the addiction.  I cried over the loss of pizza, pasta, bread and rice.  I cried over the thought of no more club sandwiches.  Dessert and chocolate, my most passionate lovers, took the hardest, and we had many reconciliations before the final breakup. 

Think about a friend of yours who is in a bad relationship but keeps hanging on, despite abuse or just plain incompatibility.  You can figure out why they are constantly trying to make the relationship 'work' when you can see from the outside that it is a doomed affair.  But to your friend, they need to hang onto this relationship because it's all they know, and if they let it go, then what?  And so the relationship limps along, lasting much longer than is healthy.....until finally one day your friend has had enough, and gets the courage together to finally walk away and properly mourn the ending.

That's how I finally let go of the stranglehold food addiction had on me.  I knew for myself that I had to go through this before my surgery, because if I didn't get this right in my head and my heart before the surgery, I would be doomed to failure.

And that's what I saw from people I talked to.  Those who struggled after surgery never faced the addiction before the surgery.  They said they understood that the surgery was not a 'magic pill' but in their hearts they hoped it was.  And so they didn't do the pre-work necessary for success.  So the addiction never got properly addresses and healed; now what they have is a small stomach, malabsorption and a food addiction.

You have GOT to get your head straight BEFORE surgery.  Go to therapy.  Talk to people who have both 'won' and 'lost' the WLS game.  Read books, listen to books on tape.  Go to support groups BEFORE your surgery.  Get to know your therapist....they can be a great lifeline for you.

Write down your bucket list of all the things you want to do that your addiction is not letting you do right now.  Post it somewhere visible and look at it every day.  Create a 'vision board' with things you want to do but can't right now.  Think about how great you will feel when you CAN do these things.  I looked at that every day, and when I was crying and mourning, I reminded myself that the pain does go away, and that pleasure was waiting for me on the other side of the WLS.

I hope my words have helped you.  Please 'follow' me on my blog, and please pass this blog information forward to friends of yours who want to help you, and to friends and colleagues who are struggling with addiction.  My dream is to create a community where we can all help each other and 'pay it forward'.

...AND NOW.

May your God bless you.