Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Doubt versus Faith

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother" ---Kahlil Gibran

All my life I have wanted my words to help people, but I was too afraid to let them out for fear of rejection. I wrote a novel when I was a teenager, and then made the mistake of giving it to my father to read.  His response?  "Okay, but I really don't read stuff like this."  Talk about destroying your daughter's hopes and dreams.  I didn't write again for about 20 years.

Fear of rejection has hounded me my entire life.  When the two people in the entire world, your mother and father, have rejected you, it is very hard to trust any other person on this planet.  For most of my adult life, I relied upon the skills of repression that I had learned as a child.  Don't show your emotions.  Don't acknowledge your emotions.  Keep a poker face; don't let people know they have hurt you.  I succeeded in repressing some emotions, but the side effect was an incredible amount of anger.  My fuse was extremely short,  you just didn't want to piss me off.  And the anger would explode at the smallest thing. 

My anger frightened me, but at the same time I felt it protected me. After all, who gets too close or personal with an angry person?  And my anger was just a mask for the fear, the incredible, debilitating fear that ruled my life.  On the outside I was successful ---- I owned my first house at age 23, ran a branch of a finance company, had long-term personal relationships, took great vacations.  Again, all on the outside.  I had learned well at my parents' feet to put a smiley face mask forward to the world while I cried inside.

I learned in my late 20's that anger did not serve me, in fact it was killing me.  High blood pressure and tension headaches, grinding my teeth and insomnia were the tip offs.  But what to do?  Anger protected me, it provided an easy release valve for other emotions. 

But what I learned was the anger was killing me inside, slowly eroding my soul, bit by bit.  I had to learn first off to let the anger out in a healthy way.  Exercise helped, but therapy helped more.  Writing letters to my parents, to friends I felt had wronged me, to employers, and finally, to myself.  Writing letters that at first were acrimonious, angry, vengeful.  Victim letters.  But as I released the anger, faced the shame, let it go, the anger started to subside, to heal, to cool down. 

I learned that being angry at another person was like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

As I let go of the anger, my fear bubbled to the surface, and I didn't know what to do with it.  My coping mechanism was gone....but food was there.  Food became my comfort, my lover, my best friend.  I could always trust food to taste good.  I could control food.  I didn't have to be afraid of food. But food was killing me too.

So what could I do?  I had to learn to trust myself.  Did this happen over night?  Emphatically NOT! You've got to remember, when I first really and truly started facing these fears, I was almost 30, and had at least 25 years of habits deeply ingrained.  Now, I expected to be able to trust and heal overnight.  I mean, it happens that way on TV on the sitcoms, right?  Instant forgiveness and healing.  The reality was a little different.  And what I realized is that I had internallized my mother and father's critical voices, and had to learn to stop listening to them.  I would say to myself when I would tell myself "what an idiot you are" or "there you go again stupid"...... I learned to say to myself, "Whose voice is that?  It's not mine."  And I was able to snap into a more conscious, kinder state and slowly learn to love myself.

Trusting myself did not happen overnight.  It happened as a process.  I learned to slowly open the door to memories, learned to peek inside the dirt encrusted windows of memory, and tiptoed inside my soul.  I couldn't face everything right away; that's just not possible nor advisable.  But I learned that God would protect me, that there was nothing inside that I could not face and get through.

So writing this blog is yet another step in the healing process.  I am far enough through it to know who I am, and know as I watch other people who are just starting on the path to healing what they are going through.  I hope my blog and my words, which are truly a gift to me from God, will help you heal.

Be kind to yourself.  Learn to trust yourself.  Learn to have faith; whatever your religion or your beliefs, whatever is most comfortable for you.  This is a non-denominational blog.  My faith and my walk with God are just that....mine.  Please place whatever other word works for you in the place of God.  Allah, Yahweh, Moses, The Universe, Divine Mother.....whatever faith is for you, lean heavily on it.  Faith is the underpinning of all healing.  You have to have faith that you will not fail in your quest; that your God will lead you lovingly; will provide the right path for you to heal and grow.  Love yourself.  Love a piece of yourself.  Maybe you're kind to animals or small children.  Love that part of you.  Maybe you have a great singing voice or can tell great jokes.  Love that part of you.  Maybe you're the person everyone counts on.  Love that.  You will learn to love more and more of you as time progresses.

As I have said in a previous blog, the way I understand the healing journey is akin to peeling an onion.  The outer layers are dry, dirty, and tough.  After all, they're the ones that have been in contact with the world and have to protect the inner layers from being battered.  You usually throw away the outer peel.  That's the peel you have to work on first.  It's the peel or mask that you have decided to show to the world.  It possibly has nothing to do with who you are inside, what your true hopes and dreams are.  But it is thick and resiliant and won't be easy to peel.  But just start picking at it. 

Yes, you're going to cry.  Have you ever tasted your tears?  Next time you cry, taste them.  You'll find that happy tears taste very different than sad tears or angry tears.  Tears are your body's way of removing toxins from your body. And trust me, if you can relate to this blog, you've got your unfair share of toxins!  Start letting them out, let the toxins course out of your body.  Give yourself the gift of faith, which will lead to the gift of healing.

Here is me before surgery.  Happy on the outside, sad on the inside.  Man I hated having my picture taken.




Here's me at Disneyland about 6 months' post surgery.  I could fit in the turnstiles, could ride in the rides, could get on the MerryGoRound....could walk without breaking into a sweat.  Actually had to wear a scarf because my neck got cold!  Talk about a first!


I hope my words have helped you move forward on your healing journey.  May your God bless you.

3 comments:

  1. Susane, This is Marcia, Toni's friend, thank you for sharing ..your words have just made made my day, our live is a journey of experiences..and you are right Faith in God is the solution, and what God wants?? That we love our selfs as he loves us and share that love and our gifts with others..

    God blesses you and I am very happy for your new life.

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  2. Marcia, thank you for your kind words. I hope to help a lot of people with my words, which are a gift from God.

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  3. you mentioned in the past you would shar were you are getting your info, like books you read, to heal. I have not seen any so far. can you please direct me to info???

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