Saturday, March 12, 2011

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman

Another book that really helped me along the way in my healing journey started out as a book that I read to help improve my marriage's communication.

"The Five Love Languages/ How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to your Mate" by Gary Chapman was suggested in a training seminar I attended about 10 years ago for financial services, of all things.  The speaker talked about her marriage, how it was strong, they were happy, but they were starting to slide into a rut and couldn't get out of it.

She talked about how she would do things for her husband that she personally would like him to do for her, to express her love for him....and it seemed her efforts fell on deaf ears.  So frustration grew roots in the foundation of their marriage, creating tiny cracks that weeds were sprouting up in.  The foundation of their marriage was still strong, but she realized that if they didn't pay attention to the weeds sprouting up, their marital foundation could very quickly turn into a vacant lot populated by weeds.

That really struck me, because I love my husband, but there were things he used to do in our relationship that he didn't do anymore, and I probably did things in the beginning that I didn't do for him anymore, and our relationship, while good, was not the amazing beautiful thing it had been in the beginning.  It had grown stale.

So, during this financial services training seminar, a gem of a book was planted in my lap, if I would just be proactive and go get it.  Which, thankfully, I did.

Now, the odd part of this, in a really great way, is that I started reading the book to help improve my marriage, but what I ended up doing was healing a large part of myself by finally understanding how I need love expressed to me.

There are, as the title indicates, five love languages.  They are:
1. Acts of Service
2. Time
3. Gifts
4. Appreciation
5. Physical Touch

We all need all five in various levels and forms, but what I learned is one or two are dominant, and the reason you are originally attracted to your mate (and all those around you) is that they fill your 'love bank' with your love language.

I learned that my two primary love languages are "Time" and "Acts of Service".  My husband's are "Physical Touch" and "Appreciation"

So, here's a scenario.  My husband loves to watch TV.  I mean loves it.  Has a 'man cave' with hundreds of DVDs, a huge 52" TV, surround sound, etc.  We would watch movies and TV together, and as far as he understood, he was filling my love language by spending "time" with me.  I could never explain to him that even though we were spending 'time' together, I was still frustrated, and would get angry at him.  He on his side didn't understand why I was angry and frustrated by him.

What I learned in the book is we were being in 'proximity' with each other, not spending 'time' with each other.  When I read this part of the book to him, a light bulb went off for each of us, and what we realized was that in the early part of our dating and marriage we would go out and do things together....it could be as simple as taking a walk on the beach, or even running errands together.  Now, we spent time in 'proximity'.  We were near each other, but not spending one-on-one time with each other.

So what we learned to do was this:  When I was feeling frustrated or angry for what seemed no apparent reason, I would step back and think about why I was angry, and looked inside to see if we had not been spending enough time (as far as I was concerned, as it was my love language) together.  If that was the case, I would say "proximity, not time" and we knew we needed to do something together.

Now, notice, I had to take responsibility for getting my love language fulfilled.  This was not my husband's responsibility.  He can't mind read (and if you know anyone who can, let me know!) and needed me to guide him to help me fulfill my needs.  Again, it's my responsibility to ask for what I need (not an easy thing to learn).  His responsibility was being willing to meet me and spend time with me.  And so my 'love bank' would get deposits that would hedge against the inevitable time where he would make 'withdrawals' by pissing me off or disappointing me, etc.  (and trust me, I made plenty of my own withdrawals from his love bank by my behavior, and had to be very conscious to put in large 'deposits' of his love language as well!)

But here was the really eye-opening thing for me.  When I realized that 'time' was my love language, it all of a sudden put my relationships with my mother and father into much different perspective.  I realized that all this time I had thought they didn't love me or want me....and a lot of it was because they were never able to fill my love language....they didn't spend 'time' with me. 

Sadly, they had their own demons to deal with.  As I mentioned in previous posts, my mother was an alcoholic, prescription-drug-addicted paranoid pschophrenic.  I realize now as I am 45 that my mother needed every ounce of her own energy to deal with the disease and addictions she battled daily.  Now, that allowed me to forgive her.  Will she ever be the mother I wished she could have been?  No.  Did she say and do horrible things to me?  Yes.  Did she love me?  I think so.  Can I re frame my relationship and my childhood and forgive her and heal with this new knowledge?  Yes, absolutely.  Because I have chosen to no longer live in a victim mentality, I have learned, a little at a time, to forgive her.

My father didn't know what to do with girls.  He raised me and my sister essentially as boys.  Did he love me?  I think so.  Was he there for me the way I needed him to be? Nope. The one thing I wanted from him was time, and he was not willing or able to give it.  But I could again re frame my relationship with him and make a decision for myself and my healing journey, that even though he would never be able to give me the love that I need (time), I cannot assume he didn't love me. 

This was an amazing breakthrough for me, and it helped me heal more pockets of pain in my soul.  It was like a cooling salve on emotional ulcers I had been carrying around with me for decades.  Again, was my childhood wonderful? No.  But if I re frame it and take responsibility for my emotions and make my own decision to heal, I can learn to remember the good times much easier.  Before, happy memories were always blocked by a red film of anger and grief.  Now I can pull them out and look at them and enjoy those memories.

I hope you read the book and I hope it helps you understand yourself better, and helps you understand not only your spouse, but also your children (are you filling their lives with YOUR love language, or theirs?), your friends, your coworkers, and others in your community.

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