Just got back from my first post-surgery cruise. I was quite terrified to go on this cruise, since cruise ships are notorious for the never-ending buffets and midnight snack bars, plus 24 hour a day room service. How was I going to cope with an unlimited amount of free food surrounding me for a total of 96 hours???
Afer all, one of the main reasons I and many other people take cruises is the food. So how was I going to do? There was only one way to find out if my newly-minted emotional skills and beliefs were solid or not. On to the Lido deck, the classic home to the 24 hour buffet and my normal first stop upon checking into my cabin, putting my carryon away, and of course being hungry.
My choices were: Asian, Italian, Bistro, Salad, Drinks. What I decided to do instead of just blindly getting into the buffet line was to do a little reconnaisance and see what the various offerings were. No matter how much I wanted to pig out, my 'pouch' only holds so much, so I wanted to make sure I made the best choice possible.
The Asian was mostly sushi, which is not my idea of a good time, so that area got safely checked off my list. The Italian I decided was too pasta-focussed and I didn't want to chance the food expansion my first day on the ship. So Italian was out. Salad I knew would be a part of my meal, but 'salad' on a cruise ship usually means anything but greens. It's usually potato salad, macaroni salad, cole slaw, corn salad, etc. There were greens, but I didn't want to fill up on that. This left "Bistro".
Bistro ended up being deli sandwiches toasted and flattened. I had a ham/cheese/mayo/lettuce combo, and passed on the potato chips. Just a sandwich. The server on the other side of the glass sneeze guard looked at me as if I was crazy. Just a sandwich? Are you SURE you don't want chips? How about french fries? Nope, thanks.
One of the greatest results of this surgery is no matter how much I may want to eat, no matter how good the food is, there's just only so much that will fit at one time. While my husband enjoyed a full meal and gulped down glass upon glass of iced tea, I munched very very slowly on my sandwich. Paced myself. 20 minutes to eat as I was taught. I made it through a 1/2 sandwich and I was stuffed. Uncomfortably stuffed, so I knew I was absolutely at my limit.
I thought for sure that I would get angry, as I have in the past when I have not been able to eat the food I want. After all, food was my one salvation up to this point. But I was happy that I got full so fast. I realize that what I have always wanted is that feeling of fullness, that I am replete. Before my surgery I was always hungry, always trying to fill a hole inside of me. Now the physical hole gets filled up extremely fast, so I can deal with the rest of life myself.
The next challenge was dinner and the 5 or 6 courses that entails. My biggest fear was that people were going to notice I wasn't eating a lot and that I'd have to explain myself, and I wasn't sure if I was willing to open up to strangers yet in person. I mean, it's one thing to blog to an anonymous internet, but to talk in front of people....hmmmm.
Well, I ordered from every course, and had a taste of everything. I took my time with it, and really, really enjoyed it. And when the chat turned more specific, I opened up and talked about why I wasn't eating much. To my pleasant surprise, instead of people reacting with a 'couldn't you control yourself?" I got "oh, my friend had that surgery, and it turned out great' or 'my friend had that surgery but still eats and eats and gets sick' which opened up discussion about what I went thru on this journey and how thankful I am that Kaiser requires you to take a pre-surgery class to get your head screwed on straight.
I was really shocked at how happy people are for me. I mean, they are really ecxstatic and want to hear all about my journey, what prompted it, why I chose the Rouen-Y over the lapband, what it's like to face a buffet and know I can't eat everything in sight. I was expecting the shame and humiliation I usually felt when I was morbidly obese, but instead I got sunshine and happiness radiating back at me! What an amazing feeling! I was shocked at how happy everyone was for me.
Now, one of the side effects I did not get was the dumping syndrome, so sadly I can eat sweets. However, what I have found is that a little sweet goes a long way, and if I do ever over-indulge I get the sugar-shakes, which is a very antsy anxious feeling that I don't like. Again, the surgery is an amazing behavior modification tool. Whereas before I overate and had no immediate consequences (nausea, shakes, stomach pain), I had the long-term consequences of being overweight. Now, consequences manifest themselves immediately, and I mean immediately. There is no escaping the consequences, which really keeps you focussed in the now and forces you to pay attention. There is no daydreaming or avoiding reality with the surgery. What you put in your body affects you right now.
Ernie commented to me the last day of our cruise how little we ate. He commented that on all the other cruises we have been on, I was constantly saying 'let's get a slice of pizza' or 'how about a small snack" or 'second dessert, anyone?" This time I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner, and sometimes a late night snack after the show.
Excellent side effects: I could easily, and I mean easily, fit in the shower. Before I used to create a watershed in the the bathroom because my body barely fit in the shower so the shower curtain was essentially useless. I could sit in the small toilet cubicles around the ship. I was able to easily navigate the dining roon, didn't have to map out a strategy based on where people were sitting, how far back they were from the table, was there enough room for me to fit? When we were at one of the sea-day 'high teas' I saw overweight people doing this silent dance and I remembered what it felt like, and once again thanked God for leading me to this surgery.
Another nice side effect, trying on jewelry in the shops and all the rings fit or were too big :0) . The necklaces fit easily. I had a choice of clothing to wear. Navigating between the deck chairs was easy and hoping that I wouldn't break them was a thought of the past.
Fitting in the back seat in the shuttle vans? no problem. that used to be my biggest nightmare, and I would generally ask to sit in the front passenger seat. Get to the third row of seats in the very back? No problemo. Fit the seatbelt on me? No problemo.
I really thought I would have more challenges with the buffet, but I think that since I have done all the mental work, I was very well prepared to face the buffet and survive.
Remember, it's in your head. When I hear about a TV star or an athlete who makes the big bucks and is caught drunk driving or goes in an out on rehab, I feel for them. Everyone around me says "what's their problem? They have all the money in the world" ....what people don't realize is that having money does not solve the inner problems. If anything, it exacerbates them, because if someone already is struggling with their own demons and lack of self-worth, even if on the outside they present a confidence facade, the very success they have acheieved mocks them even more. It becomes 'if they only knew who I really am' and the self-doubt can become overwhelming. More on this in another blog.
I leave you hoping my words help you on your healing journey. Please feel free to share this with a friend and please 'follow' my blog if I inspire you.
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