I have been told by many people who know I have started this blog that I am a courageous woman. That makes me feel good (who doesn't like compliments?), but it also makes me think about what courage really is.
Is courage facing down enemy fire in war? Is it running into a burning building to save a child? Is it standing up for what you believe in? Sitting down in the front of the bus? Saying NO when you are being pressured to say yes? Courage is all these things. But courage is also a quieter, unheralded event.
In my last blog I talked about being a spiritual warrior. Healing really is a courageous quest. Knowing that you have a hole inside of your soul that is gnawing at you day and night, with an unending, voracious appetite that you can never truly fill....and then making a decision to face that hole inside you...That to me is the biggest evidence of courage anyone can ever experience. Facing yourself when you can choose to ignore the voice inside....facing the pain when you know you have some sort of coping mechanism in place to temporarily appease it (be it food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, shopping, or ???)...that to me is courage. Looking at the who and what hurt you in the first place, and learning how to forgive...that is courage.
It is so much easier in the short term to repress the pain, numb it with our drug of choice, and in a lot of ways it is what society expects of us. Put on a happy face. Boys don't cry. Suck it up. Don't tell anyone. You don't want to be different, do you? Isn't it easier to just fit in?
Maybe, in the short term. But that pain is like an acid inside your soul, slowly eating you up from the inside. Mabe no one can see it....but you know it's there. So what do you do?
What I finally figured out after therapy and reading a lot of books, is this: All the abuse, the pain, the humiliation, the whatever you faced in childhood that is eating you up right now....you've already survived it. You're here, aren't you? You are already a survivor. You already have all the courage you need. There is absolutely nothing inside of you that you cannot cope with and heal from. You are already a warrior. Maybe you don't know it yet, but you are. You've lived with this pain and it hasn't killed you. You have survived. Subconsciously you have already faced the pain. Now you just need to bring it to the surface... a little bit at a time. Be gentle with yourself. .
Now, your coping mechanisms, which served you so well in the past, are now hurting you. And only you can decide to change how you cope.
What I have learned is that healing is in a way like peeling an onion. You first peel off the tough outer skin; it's usually dry and crepey, has dirt on it; it's not attractive. But it protects the softer, more easily bruised inner layers. Once you have peeled that off, you are usually crying. Onions have defense mechanisms too, you know. They don't want to get eaten, they want to grow into another onion. So, they aren't going to make this easy for you. Your soul doesn't want to get hurt either; it's going to do its best to guard you against perceived threats....which the healing process can sometimes seem like!
So you start with the next layer in the onion. That is usually the thickest layer, and the dryest. You need to peel that layer back and work with it before you start on the next layer. Emotionally, this onion layer will probably take the longest for you to work thru. After all, it has had years to develop and thicken up, and again it has served you well. Pace yourself.
I have found that your mind will never let you see or experience anything that you are not ready to. So start layer by layer. The same issues may show up (they probably will) in each layer, but it will get easier, and sweeter, the closer you get to the core.
You might put the onion away for a while. Stick it in a container and shove it in the fridge and don't think about it for a while. That's okay. It will wait. Then the day will come where you are ready to pull back the next onion layer of emotion. This time it will be easier, because you have some experience. You might have tissues ready for the tears. Perhaps you are wearing emotional 'gloves' so the onion soul juice doesn't sting any cuts you have in your hands. Perhaps because the onion is cold, it won't create so many tears. Bottom line is, you should be able to deal with a little bit more emotional work this time, because you have already experienced and lived thru the first layer.
And so it goes, layer by layer. You peel the soul back at your pace, as you are ready for it. You will get a little bit stronger every time. With every tear you shed, with every word you write in a journal, with every conversation you have with a loved one about this pain....if you will allow yourself, you will heal. You must let the emotions go. If you hang onto them, all the talking, writing, processing will be for naught. You must let the emotions go and release them.
As I continue to blog I am going to be referencing the books I read and the exercises I did to heal. I am going to include the real journal entries that I wrote at the time. I can no longer write those words, as they are no longer who I 'am'....but I journalled thru this entire journey for just this purpose.
I hope my words have helped you start or continue on your healing journey.
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