Welcome to my new blog

Welcome to my blog.

I had gastric bypass surgery on 4/30/2010 and have let go of 103 pounds so far.

The weight loss isn't the the true measure of success, though.  It's only the byproduct and what everyone can see.  The true success is the change that has come to me, at a soul level, where I have been able to find myself and heal and grow and for the first time in my 45 years on this planet, actually be happy and whole, love myself and the world around me.

My hope for this blog is for me to share the ups and downs, positives and negatives that I have encountered and overcome on my journey to wellness and wholeness.  I have been helped in my journey by many people, and I feel called to write my thoughts and experiences and 'pay it forward' to others in the hope that you too will heal and be able to embrace life fully.

I have been told that my writing can be raw, but I have found that healing is a very raw, emotional experience, and can only write from my heart and what I know.  Healing is a spiritual quest undertaken by emotional warriors, and I speak from experience when I say that going thru the raw pain, facing it, forgiving people, and seeing that it didn't break me, is what healed me in the end. 


For as long as I can remember I have struggled with my weight.

I started out life as a preemie, 4.5 pounds at 8 months.  My mother smoked, drank and took prescription pills. She was a paranoid psychophrenic.  It was no wonder I was a preemie.  My parents worried that I was too thin, and as a child I was given a glass of beer for dinner to help 'fatten me up'.  It was only when I was about 7 or 8 years old that I declared I would no longer drink the beer at the dinner table.  And, it was only when I was in school that I learned that this was not the norm.

I was always the 'fat kid' in the class, in the dorky clothes and the bad haircut. I was shy and anxious & had a hard time making friends.  My father moved us around several times in my childhood as he bought properties in Los Angeles.  I seemed to always be the 'new kid' in school and for a long time I didn't unpack several boxes of my things because he was always talking about the next move.  I learned not to make friends because just as I did, we were moving again to a new house he had bought.

There was a lot of emotional abuse growing up. Lots of giving me things and then taking them away. Pets would disappear if my father was angry. Physical abuse to this day I am not sure of, so I can only say my mother suspected it & accused my father of it, but if it did happen it is repressed so deeply in me that I have not been able to bring it to the surface.  Conditional love was the norm.  Again, I always thought this was how all families functioned.  When I realized it wasn't, I learned to hide behind a mask and pretend everything was all right.

I hope that by blogging about my experiences you will find something that will help you on your own
healing journey.