Depression

Today was a difficult day.  I battled with low grade depression today.  It leaked out past my medications and colored my world.  I get so frustrated by it because I know it's a chemical imbalance, and I know that tomorrow I will probably feel better, but it doesn't help right now as I try to work through my day.  I feel like I have nothing to be sad over, and 'should' get over this. 

I mean, I'm a fortunate person.  I am healthy, I have been married to my best friend for over 15 years, I live near the ocean in the sunshine year round.  I am truly fortunate in that I do something for a living that I enjoy and take great satisfaction over.  So why the blahs?  Why the 'what's the point' feelings? 

Days like today are so difficult because it takes every ounce of my being, every fiber in my body, to just get out of bed and glue a "happy face" on.  As I go about my day, summoning every bit of emotional reserves I have in me to joke with people, interact, hold conversations, etc, I wonder how they cannot see the pain that is eating away at my soul?

Perhaps they too are hiding behind their social mask?  I often wonder what is going on behind people's eyes and their laughter.

I know people look at me and say 'you're so positive' "you're always cheerful'.  Not always.  There are days that I am an actress putting on an academy-award winning performance.  I don't feel like myself on those days; I feel separated from myself, floating around myself, but not inside myself.

It's days like today that irritate me the most, because I feel like I 'should' be able to get over it.  There's that word again.....'Should"..... the word of shame, of guilt, of embarrassment.  I'm always telling people to be careful of the word should, and that they should stop 'shoulding' all over themselves. 

Because that's what 'should' is all about.  It's our self = flaggelation, our way to browbeat ourselves and shame ourselves.  It sets us up for failure, because we are competing against an impossible ideal person.  It makes us 'wrong' for what we are doing, makes us think we are less than we are, which is truly a perfect child of God.

But it's on days like today that I think "should should should should".  And I am battling against a tide of 'I don't cares' and 'what's the points' that are running in a continuous looping soundtrack in my head.

Now, I'm never suicidal.  Quite frankly the geek inside of me wants to see what's going to happen tomorrow.  But there are days like today where it takes everything I have to drag myself through the day.

I lasted until about 3 pm, and had to call it quits.  Luckily for me I have staff who understand that I go through these phases, know I'm generally a workaholic, and will be back bouncing around tomorrow or the next day.  I thank God every day for the people I have been surrounded with. 

Even as I write this I am struggling with the blahs.  But I know that this is probably one of the more important posts I will send out into the internet because I know from many conversations with others that I am not alone in battling these feelings.  It's days like today I wish I still had food to numb myself with.  But I know now that I have to go thru the feelings, feel them, acknowledge them, forgive myself, and love myself.  I know this too shall pass.

I send this out with much love and gratitude and hope it helps you on your own healing journey.